Baby Pushers

My name is Lesley Bishin and I hate babies. Ok fine, maybe I don’t hate ALL babies. But you know how airline security can’t let you through with a water bottle because some a**hole once tried to fashion one into a bomb? Well if I admit I like babies I’ll count to three and someone will be handing me a squawking, flailing infant mid-spit-up. So for self-preservation purposes, we’re going to start with this over-zealous precautionary ban. The truth is I don’t hate babies. Not by a long shot. My best friend had a baby last year and the first time we met I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I wept all over him. So I don’t hate babies. But I do hate baby pushers.

Baby pushers are new parents who seem incapable of having any human interaction that doesn’t involve trying to sell you on their baby. They’re like crack dealers, trying to get you hooked on what’s got them high. “Did you see her? She got her teeth before any other child in daycare. Did you notice how good he smells? She shits gold, did you know?”

Of course at first it’s fun and exciting, but if you spend too much time indulging in your friend’s new intoxicant you are bound to overdose. Of course your friends want to meet your baby, and hear all about it. But as time passes, they might also want to have a normal adult conversation of some sort where a sought-after promotion isn’t compared to your son’s potty training success.

As I neared thirty and my friends started to get married and start families, dynamics changed, as one would expect. As an outside observer, it’s exciting to share these milestones with your friends… to a point. There needs to be something that holds that friendship together, an adult understanding that extends beyond the “we got so drunk in college together” bond. To put it simply, people grow and evolve, priorities change, and I’ve never been one for keeping people around if they aren’t someone I connect with anymore. I’m not suggesting I go around cutting friendships off like cancerous moles, but I am suggesting my free time is precious, and I have to pick and choose who I give it to. Where am I going with this? Well, if you have a kid and you get busy with your kid, I understand. If you don’t return calls for the first month because you’re overwhelmed, I totally get it. If you cancel lunch because you haven’t slept, I’ll bring you a sandwich. If you need a night out with the spouse, I’ll happily babysit. But if it’s been two years, and we still have yet so see each other without your child, I’m going to stop coming around.

I have a close friend who will make concretely adult plans, and then say “you’ll be excited to know I cancelled the babysitter so you could have some Emma time.” Um, thanks? I like Emma, she’s a sweet kid, and playing “Aunt Bish” is always fun. But if I’ve made adult dinner plans, don’t suddenly inject your child into the mix and think it’s ok. If I want time with her I’ll ask for it.

In the final analysis, I admit I’m not such a baby hater after all. Babies are inherently loveable to begin with, and when someone you love creates a human being it’s an overwhelmingly beautiful thing to witness. If we’re close, I’ll actually want to spend time with your child. And I’ll want to see you with your child. Just remember that sometimes the people in your life want a little bit of you – just you – and that needs to be okay too.

Tags: babies, Baby pushers, children, Family, Friends, friends with babies, parents